Once you are certain that you want to end your marriage, you need to tell your spouse unless it is a decision you have arrived at together. While this is unlikely to be a simple conversation, there are choices that can make it easier – or harder.
Here are some things to consider before you do this.
Are there likely to be any immediate negative consequences?
If you intend to divorce an abusive spouse, then you can likely picture the consequences of telling them. It may result in a barrage of hurtful words or physical violence toward you. Alternatively, it may result in your spouse suddenly becoming highly amenable in a bid to manipulate you into staying, only for the abuse to continue later. Other problematic reactions from an angry spouse could potentially include cutting you off from funds, changing the locks on the house or even taking the children.
If you believe that a bad reaction is likely, it is important to plan for it. For example, if physical violence is the issue, you can be wise to get a protection order for you and the kids and only tell your spouse once you are somewhere safe. If you believe they’ll target finances, make copies of bank statements so you know what, if anything, goes missing, and consider setting some money aside in an emergency fund.
Bad timing can also result in negative consequences
Say you have been mulling over how to tell your spouse for weeks when they notice that you have been quiet during a long car trip and ask you what’s the matter. You can’t stand the pressure any longer, so you just come out with it. The news might come as such a shock to them that they lose concentration on their driving and cause a crash. It’s best to avoid having this conversation in a vehicle, regardless of who is driving.
This conversation will be the first of many you’ll need to have about your divorce. Learning more about how a divorce will work can leave you better prepared for them and for everything that is to come.